November 14, 2000

Kearra my baby, I hope you have found the Bridge and are happily playing with Frisky, Tiger and Popcorn. We miss you so very much! My arms are empty at night as I sit on the couch, no one snores in my ear, and during the night, I miss you the most. I wake up and reach for you on my pillow and it is cold and empty.

I miss you when I walk in the door and no one greets me. I miss you taking over my desk when there's no room for you, and headbutting me. I miss you sitting upside down on my lap, looking up at me, and reaching up with your paws to pull my face down to yours for a kiss. I miss you scratching at the bathroom door after I turn the shower off, because you were too lazy to get out of bed when I did to get in there right away. I miss you stuffing your head into the big jar of vaseline, because you liked it better than hairball medicine. I miss hearing you scratching the floor to cover up your food, or trying to cover your vaseline with papers on the coffee table, or scratching the walls and the floor, but still wondering why nothing in the litter box was getting covered up. You are such a silly girl! I will miss you when I'm outside and look up to see all the windows empty of you, sitting there watching me and wanting to be with me.

I love all my babies, you know that, but you must also know you were my most special. You came to me at a very lonely time in my life and you were just so cute and loveable! You always had to be near me and I was so happy to oblige you! I still wish I had made a snugglie for you... Remember how I used to put you in the hood of my sweatshirt? Or I would just tuck the sweatshirt in and drop you down the front and you would happily sleep at my waist. In time you got too big for that, but you never got too big to lie upside down in my arms at night (or anytime I sat still) and go to sleep. Remember the look in the deli guy's face, when I had to run into the store on the way back from the vet and couldn't leave you in the car? I stuffed you in the front of my jacket but you sure weren't very tired, because you wouldn't go to sleep. Instead, you popped your head right out as soon as he started to take my order. I thought his eyes were going to fall out of his head!

I am so glad you approved of Tim when he came into my life. You always were hissy with most men vs women, but it was nice to see you accept him. He misses you very much too, you know. I never realized that if he went to bed before me, that the two of you had your own special petting time. When I would get there you'd be already curled up on my pillow waiting for me. It was a little secret between you, wasn't it? It doesn't matter, it makes you all the more special.

I found where you left your stuffed mouse when we got home from the vet that night. It was right next to my side of the couch. I remember you bringing it to me the night before. That was always your way of telling us you loved us and were thinking of us, wasn't it? We'd find that mouse everywhere! Usually when we were somewhere you wanted to be, but couldn't. Or if we just weren't paying enough attention to you. I'd laugh when we spent a long day outside and would walk in to find the mouse sitting just inside the door. Was that your way of saying "I love you and bring you presents so please let me out with you?" If I had any idea you'd be leaving me now I would have brought you out on your leash again. It's been a long time and I know you liked it when we did.

I left your mouse on the pillow where you would sleep with me. I hope he helps you find your way back, to let me know how you are.

Kearra, I hope I didn't let you down by not trying any treatments for you! They all sounded so risky and I was so scared for you. I was even more scared to think that the next time you threw a clot, I might not be home to help you. You were so smart to come downstairs to find me when it happened so I could bring you right to the vet. And Dr. Burns said you were very smart too, to open your mouth to breath when it got hard for you. She said not many cats do that.

I wanted to do more for you but I would have had to bring you somewhere else for 24 hour care and you still might not have made it. And you might have left without me being there for you. I know you were already scared and you didn't like car rides much anyway. It just didn't seem right to put you through more pain and fright and shots and poking, with no promise that the clot would dissolve and your legs would be ok. And your heart was failing. I couldn't even be sure you'd come home to us again. I couldn't put you through that and I hope you understand.

Letting you go the other night was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and Tim's too. You were with me all day, following me around and being your normal wonderful self! And then you were gone. I did it for you sweetie, because I was afraid of how you might suffer. If I had my way you'd be with me right now and I wouldn't be writing this. You'd be next to me forever. Please don't ever forget how much I love you, how much we both love you and how special you are.

Kearra-cat, I loved you every day as though there was no tomorrow. Even more so after we lost Frisky a few months ago to CRF. It was just that tomorrow was never supposed to actually come, and certainly not so soon.

Love always,

Diane, Tim, Mudgie, "The Kids": Scooter, Zeus and Houdini, and of course, Missy